wow he looks just like him
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.