“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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my retirement plan is braless
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT