“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
first responders? you mean reply guys?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
dead inside
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Did…did a minotaur write this
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.