“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.