Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
good news everyone
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
