“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.