Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Cold.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

ew if literal: let me be clear

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

what the hell pray for carter everyone