Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You Might Also Like
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The Eggorcist
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.