Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
This probably isn’t good
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream