Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me after drinking all the wine:
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Tastes like chicken.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions