Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.