Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.