Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

As per my last nervous breakdown

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Meat Cute

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom