Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.