Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Bored?
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Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

How long do you have to wait between naps?

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you