Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise