Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.