wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Dolls on drugs
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones