Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
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You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.