Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
accurate
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.