Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.