Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o