Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

HOW DARE YOU

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.