Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now