Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
What the hell happened in there??
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*