“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.