“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
How do you like your Corgi?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.