Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

The first one, obviously

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.