“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”