Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more