wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
You Might Also Like
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.