wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
how it started vs how it ended
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”