Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.