Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?