Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Already got one

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Rooting for the overdog

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart