Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

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my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER


I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.


8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course


HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog


Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.


While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.


[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]


TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL


Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.