@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

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@climaxximus

my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER

@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

@JasonLastname

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

@LackOfShame

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

@SherifLSharkawy

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@jazz_inmypants

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.