Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES