Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
