“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
cyclists
