Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐