“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.