“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Just why bro?!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
There are no pants in heaven.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire