Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
no!! no!!!!!!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler