Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

every college guy’s fridge

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.