Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.