Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t bark with your mouth full

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

How your email finds me

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back