Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman