Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!