911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The longer you look at this the better it gets
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.