Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
How funny!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause