Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
WHY?!
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”