Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Icarus loved hot wings.