wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
So, can we agree on 4 or
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?