Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break