wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
when unicorns get really drunk
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care