Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[eulogy]
line?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.