Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
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Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen