Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.