Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.