Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I think my mom just blocked me

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?