PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You Might Also Like
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.