Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters