Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.