WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”