Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

thanks auntie mary

Happy Halloween 🎃

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Breaking news:

それは草

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.