Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.