Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A