Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad: