Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.