Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok