Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.