I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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some cats are just doing for fun!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The USS B port