“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !