“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
🙁
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team