“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I got soap in my shower beer again.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.