Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

“our sushi is very fresh”

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?