Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.